The Matter of the Pesky Leg

Ah! Will the leg fly off? That was the big question last night on the season opener of Dancing with the Stars. First the use of “stars” is suspect considering no one knows Heather Mills outside of the UK besides Beatles groupies and tabloid junkies like myself but that didn’t stop us from camping out in front of the TV on leg watch Week 1. The producers were brilliant to keep her next to last because I wasn’t movin’ until she danced.

DWTS is that surprise hit. Who knew ballroom dancing with a bunch of Z-list actors, singers, assorted pop culture misfits and retired athletes would be a ratings goldmine? I adore watching people learn a new art form especially celebrities. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself in ruffled shirts, spandex pants and dresses with slits up to your tonsils.

Here’s a rundown on the stars and their happy feet:

The Front Runners

Every season has its share of likable dancers. Laila Ali seems to truly float like a butterfly and keep her arrogant partner in check. She’s gorgeous, sexy and a real sized woman. Joey Fatone has the most personality and you know that will get you votes. All the years as a boybander has left him with great rhythm and amazing showmanship. The soul patch and bandana of Apolo Anton Ohno survived another Olympic season. Pairing him with an 18-year-old Christina Aguilera look-a-like could be challenging- for them to keep their hands off each other. Plus he’s still training for upcoming speed skating competitions.

The Leg

I’m not trying to be mean but Heather Mills looked like a creature out of the Harry Potter book and her outfit was hideous in color and design. And they need to stop calling her a charity campaigner. What the hell is that? Call her an activist or fundraiser. With that said, I give her immense respect for attempting this especially with her in the middle of an ugly divorce. Oh, and having the fake leg.

The Aged

Entertainment reporter Leeza Gibbons is charming in her bubbly beauty pageant ways. She can smile through anything but I thought she was going to well up when they blasted her dance steps. Actor John Ratzenberger filled in at the last minute and pulled off a pretty good cha cha for only having two weeks training. He looked like a dancing panda at a wedding.

The Challenged

Former Miss USA Shandi Finnessey is cute but hardly striking or even mildly interesting and she’s saddled with the youngest male dancer who seems to be hopped up on pixie sticks and Mountain Dew. Country crooner Billy Ray Cyrus nearly scalped his partner while stripping her of her wig. The good news is he looks great devoid of his mullet and is acting and recording music. The bad news is we have to watch him drag his heavy legs across the dance floor. It’s painful but he has an affable sense of humor.

The Others

Supermodel and rocker wife Paulina Porizkova looks stunning. She has absolutely no accent now and is trying like hell to distinguish herself in this competition. Ian Ziering still has too much 90210 Steve in him to be compelling for me. He gave a valiant first time effort and I imagine he will get better with time but will his cocky TV character come back to haunt him.

The Smiling Underdog

Clyde “The Glide “Drexler is this year’s underdog. He will be the one to root for and athletes always do well on this show. He has a sweet nature and takes his training seriously but his gangly frame may be too much to compensate.

Who are you rooting for?