Celeb PR 101

In the wake of the mysterious and yet adorably hairy Suri coming out of hiding, I've come up with the tenents of successful celebrity public relations. That's right students, sit down and let the diva school you. By following my simple rules, we can avoid another TomKat incident and won't have to watch that boney Nicole Richie try to avoid the photogs.

Listen up, Jessica and Ashlee, you might learn something. Here are the 5 things that every celebrity should have:

A full-length mirror

You know where I’m going with this. Every fashion-conscious celeb should have a full-length mirror with the emphasis on full-length. I'm merely suggesting a glance in the mirror might have tipped off Jessica Simspon that she looked like a linebacker in her 80s black booty dress. For this matter every person should have one . . . and use it. Maybe then fashionistas will realize that deep dark tan they acquired through a spray brush actually makes them look like a tangelo.

An honest friend

Everyone needs the good friend who is painfully truthful with you, no matter what. She told you your new hairweave looked like a horse's tail and that your bra was so tight it looked like you had four breasts. This friend actually goes hand-in-hand with the full-length mirror. Friends like this are hard to find but so worth it. You just need to remember to not take things personally. You’d rather hear it from a friend instead of Joan Rivers.

Non-payable family

It’s hard for your mother to tell you you’re getting married way to soon when she’s on the payroll. How can your brother tell you the new script you’re considering isn’t the right choice when he depends on you to make is house payment? Where was Britney's mama when she was chompin' on her gum with Matt Lauer. My mom would have snatched it out of my mouth. Like your good friend who tells you the truth, you need family members who are just that - family. Mom and dad need to be able to take you back to that place when you were in the ninth grade and got busted staying out all night with your 19-year-old boyfriend. Ah, good times.

A television

Here’s a novel idea. Think before you speak. A good publicist will give you three points to express. If an interview strays or goes off course, you can always go back to one of those points. Not every celebrity is a rocket scientist, so a bit of preparation couldn’t hurt. Here’s another thought and I’m just throwing this out there, watch a playback of your interview. TOM CRUISE!! Poor misguided Tommy. He had several opportunities to stop his descent but continued to plunge head first. Listen to what you say in interviews and how you say it. (Hopefully, you’ll be accompanied by your painfully, truthful friend.)

A charitable organization

It’s a win-win situation. Celebrities should give back. They make an outrageous sum of money to which most will never know. They have a great opportunity to generate money for a good cause. It doesn’t matter if it’s for orangutans in Borneo or prom dresses for underprivileged teens. Charitable acts are great public relations tools. Whether you insulted the Jews or you were caught cheating on your wife, charity work is a great image builder and if some ape in the jungle gets a banana, even better.