My TiVo is mocking me

She keeps taping “new” Oprah episodes even though the new season hasn’t started yet. That’s right. I refer to my TiVo as a women. Only a women can be clever enough to make you think you’re in charge but really calls all of the shots. Doesn’t she know that’s not funny? What have I done to her? I don’t ask her to tape shows she thinks I’ll like. She only has to tape Oprah.

There something you should know about me. I adore Oprah. Not in a stalker way. I don’t want to be Oprah. I just want to be Oprah-esque. When my back is against a wall, I often think, what would Oprah do? Would she serve (okay would her personal chef serve) lamb or roast beef at a dinner party? Would she wear white after Labor Day? Would she bitch slap that woman who has more than 10 items in the express lane? These are the pressing questions.

I’m plotting how to get invited to her show. Not to merely sit in the audience and receive the customary subscription to O magazine. I want to be a guest on her show or better yet I want to be on the Oprah’s Favorite show. If you haven’t seen this, you’ve missed out on something. Oprah gives everyone in her audience her favorite foods, clothing, electronics and other gadets. Hell, I would have slapped my mom for the Kiehls gift set she gave away two years ago.

My other thought in my quest for Oprahness is to become her best friend. Gayle’s had a good run but I’m younger, prettier and a lot more fun. Oddly enough everyone keeps telling me I should stick to Plan A. So, I bring it to you.

How can I get on the Oprah Winfrey Show?