I Feel Like the Fifth Beatle

With American Idol in full swing, it seemed appropriate to talk about the show that will be taking over my life for the next months. Ratings were record-breaking for the first episode, which was no great surprise. I have to admit I don’t get a thrill by watching the preliminary auditions shows. It’s way too odd and embarrassing for all of the Britney-wannabees who have their dreams dashed. I can’t figure out if they hire people to perform these horrible acts or if they offer people an obscene amount of money to go off their meds because the bulk of these singers are a hot mess. These audition shows are a master class in marketing. I admire that.

I watch it when they get on the big stage and start eliminations to the final 12. That’s when the crème rises and I get excited (that sentence seems odd). Though, after watching two seasons on RockStar, I’ve become accustomed to watching concert quality performances. Not the high school vaudeville act that AI can be. It’s downright unnerving to watch some of these newbies struggle to eek a note out.

As a veteran AI judge (in my own mind, people), here are some helpful tips for the new crop of talent. At times I feel like the missing judge. I could replace ditzy Paula. I tell you I should run a business that grooms people for AI. Much like those people that become rich off preparing girls for pageants minus all the hairspray and fake tans.

Marketing is everything

You have to have an angle. Not a gimmick but you have to position yourself. Are you a little bit country or a little bit rock n’ roll? Pick your poison or Ryan Seacrest will do it for you. Knowing your style also makes it easier to select the music that right for your voice and vibe. The judges and the audience are looking for something they can market. One of the reasons I supported Ruben over Clay was because I could see him on MTV or in a video. Clay came around at the end but his geekiness was tough to counter.

You must bend or you’ll break

It’s important for contestants to be flexible. Theme weeks are there to trip you up but a flexible singer that knows their range and style can pick the perfect song for Country Week. The key to winning is showing range.

Under the Radar

The sneakiest finalists knew when to stay under the radar and when to pull out from the pack. It’s not necessarily a great thing to be the judge’s favorite in the beginning. It’s better to conserve your energy for those later weeks when people get sloppy and voters get tired on the same crap every week.

Consistency is a good thing

It’s imperative to be consistent week after week. That doesn’t mean the same every week. It means your level of work needs to rise to a certain level. Fantasia was a great example of maintaining a certain level of work. Some weeks were bad for her but she was consistently good. That wins out at the end.

Rock it!

Your top contestants understand that you need to perform like it might be your last chance. Some go into a complacent coma and Forrest Gump their way through this competition based on looks or fan base while others know when to take a chance. I have yet to see someone with such brilliant musicality that they can rearrange music or go acoustic on something. Bo did an AI first with an acapella number. Why more people haven’t done this is beyond me.

Know your voice

If I hear one more Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion or Alicia Keys song murdered, I’ll go nuts. People don’t get that these songs are extremely difficult and only lead to comparisons. Just because My Heart Will Go On worked at your family reunion doesn’t mean that it’s good enough for AI. Stick to you Bonnie Raitt, Carly Simon, James Taylor or Sade songs that you can put your own touch on.

What is your advice for the AI hopefuls?