Straight Up!

I’ve never been so ready for a weekend; I hardly know what to do. The rain continues though I haven’t experienced any more mudslides and summer television has me bored senseless. At least there was something interesting on TV last night. By interesting, I mean the train wreck that is Paula Abdul.

You know it honies! I watched the first two episodes of the exploitive Hey Paula on Bravo. J and I decided that we are gluttons for punishment after subjecting ourselves to the second episode after vowing not to. We thought it was too embarrassing. Hey Paula is the next Being Bobby Brown or the Anna Nicole Show. Paula is a freak show and her show takes the circus on the road and the little screen.

What amazes me most about these types of shows is the subjects’ willing participation. They honestly think they are clearing up perceptions and telling their story. However, they must not view the show because what airs is a hot mess. I’m reminded of Britney and K.Fed’s attempt at reality television. Good God!

Paula comes off flightly and boozy from the first scene. Her coordination and body awareness is suspect. Her speech is slurred and often incoherent. Her judgment is definitely impaired. Who allows their army of tiny pooches to prance all over a bed covered in priceless jewelry? No wonder one of her dog nearly chocked on a diamond ring. She and her publicist attribute this to lack of sleep.

I can understand this irritating an existing problem but can’t be the cause of all of this. Sadly, watching her beg for money at Starbucks or open her suitcase at the entrance of the airport in search of comfortable jeans was unfortunate. Not only is she having some sort of behavioral problem, she is surrounded by incompetent assistants who seem incapable of packing the appropriate clothes or making sure that she has something to eat before a public appearance. She definitely doesn’t have the right people around her.

J stands by the statement that all celebrities fly the freak flag, which I agree with to some degree but there has to be more. We know they are indulged and therefore exist in this fantasyland that caters to their whims and peculiar tastes but in some cases I just feel great empathy for some. They’ve stopped being amusing and are now tragic.

With my public and media relations background, I can’t help but think who could benefit from my fantastic spin and strict words of wisdom. Here are a few celebrities that I’d love to turn around:

Tara Reid

Homegirl simply needs cut back on the booze, get an acting job and wear a bra. That’s the first thing I’d do. Her sloppy trailer park Barbie persona belies what is underneath. I’d find the talented actress in her and exploit the hell out of that.

Nicole Kidman

First order of business is to retrieve whatever is lodged up her ass. Then I’d put an end to whatever is freezing her damn face. She’s got the talent and looks. She just needs to loosen up and find her personality.

Isaiah Washington

I’d put a large piece of tape on his mouth and try to find him a job as soon as possible before he alienates an entire industry. I stood up for him in the past but know he needs to show some dignity and shut the hell up. You didn’t get fired because you’re black. You obviously didn’t get fired because of homophobic slurs. Looks like you got fired for your obnoxious personality.

What did you think of the show? What celebrity could benefit from your help?