Poor Little Lost Anna

I’ve just had a moment of clarity. I’ve always known this to be true about myself but it was magnified today. As I was reading an article about Anna Nicole Smith being legally forced to submit her baby for a paternity test, I was overjoyed. Now why would I be happy when she’s not related to me and I really am indifferent to her? It’s like subconsciously I care about her and the other celebrities I complain about.

Then it dawned on me. Watching these people bungle their way through life makes them human and therefore unites us in the fact that life is a bear. I borrow this expression from my dad who loves to say that life is a bear that will wrestle you to the ground. My dad is prone to such classic saying as “Stop that lolly gagging and tooty fruiting” (when he wants you to be serious) and “I’m gone like a turkey through the corn” ( another way to say goodbye). He’s a colorful character and he couldn’t be more right with the bear reference. Celebrity’s conflicts and drama don’t make me feel sorry for them or even better about myself. It just makes me feel normal.

Hollywood was designed to sell us an illusion. The illusion of perfection. This myth is still a truth for legions of followers who worship at the alter of false gods. The fantasy tells us that happiness comes from wealth, youth and good looks. And it works. I get a kick out of deciphering pop culture and celebrity to see what it means for the everyday person.

In other words, you can learn a lot. Here’s what I learned from Anna Nicole Smith:

Sit and Look Pretty

I’m usually not an advocate for this school of thought but in extreme cases where someone is unable to articulate clearly or has a coherent thought, it’s a must. Poor Anna Nicole has been literally propped up while hopped up on some sort of strong medication in her latest TV appearaances. She can barely keep her eyes open and speaks with a thick tough. Riveting yet sad. This is the case of someone who shouldn’t be doing any type of public speaking until she can get her head together.

Beware of the Stalker

For years, I’ve been wondering what her lawyer Howard K. Stern actually did. He barely seemed like legal counsel in her E! reality show but appeared to be a hanger-on with a crush. He’s managed to ingratiate himself to the former Playmate. Now he’s claiming to be her lover and father to her infant daughter. Maybe it’s true but I have my doubts.

It Will Come Out in the Wash

She claims Howard is the father of her child and has refused a paternity test but now she must submit to one. The moment of truth is around the corner. You can lie about many things but the father of your child isn’t one of them. Especially when we’re talking lawyers and paternity tests. If you want to lie about something let it be your age or hair color. Not the father of your child because if he’s not the father you look like a slut or a lier. Haven’t we learned anything from those poor girls on Maury Povich who don’t know who is the father of their child.

What have you learned from Anna Nicole?