The Planets are in Alignment

Talent reigns victorious. The big humongous American Idol final show was gaudy, commercial, long and jam-packed with artists stumping for their records. In other words, it was a glorious display of marketing, glamour and ego. I adored it! I wasn’t going to watch but decided that that one beat boxing moon walking troll wasn’t going to stop my inalieanable right to spend two hours watching crappy Up With People-styled production numbers.

AI producers spared us multiple attempts at the shiteous ballad ‘This is My Now’. We only had to suffer through it once at the emotional climax. We learned many things. Like the grasshopper has not surpassed the Master. Doug E. Fresh is still the beatboxing champion despite Blake’s white bread attempt at knocking off his crown. Jordin is not a small girl. Savor her curves now because in a few months she will be 30 pounds lighter and her hair will be miraculousy straighter. AI will make fun of the mentally challenged. The Best Buddy winners of the Golden Idol were heartbreaking.

Here’s the Diva’s take on the show:

Best Sammy Davis Jr. Moment

Blake was touted as the great performer but before him was Sammy Davis Jr. and Taylor Hicks. I forgot what a showman the dancing panda can be. He may have slimmed down, cultivated a sense of style and trimmed is silver hair but his charm and voice are untouched. I think he deserves that chance at stardom and hope he finds the right music to make that happen.

The Tammy Faye Award

Goes to Paula Abdul who predictably fell to pieces when the winner was announced. You can best believe that she would have had the exact same reaction had Blake won. She was a blubbering mess, just like we like her.

John Lennon Rolls Over in his Grave

The moment Kelly Clarkson started bouncing around barefoot in her Janis Joplin gear screeching Sgt. Pepper. It was awkward and clunky and I felt bad for Beatles fans worldwide. Yoko Ono is probably talking to lawyers right now.

Best F U

Went to Chris Daughtry who had performed the previous night but got a shout out from producing legend with the golden ear Clive Davis. I was expecting Clive to pronounce Daughtry bigger than Jesus at any moment. He may not have won but whose laughing now.

Best Performance of the Night

Carrie Underwood shed her bumpkin tunes for one night and performed a lovely rendition of The Pretender’s ‘I’ll Stand By You.’ Brilliant. She may have been dull as dishwater during her stint on AI but one thing was constant – her pure voice.

Best Showbiz Glitz

Melinda Doolittle was a hit with her former bosses Bebe and Cece Wiand. It was like watching the Bobby Jones Gospel Show on BET only with a white puzzled audience who didn’t know what to do with the lyrics or the performers. Splendid.

The ‘Let it Go Already’ Trophy

We’ve had enough fun exploiting Sanjaya. It’s time to put the toy back in the box. The intro was clever but his manic performance was just as startling as the first time especially with Joe Perry accompanying him. Perry was either high on mushrooms or coerced into doing the show by his teenage children. You pick.

What was your favorite part of the night?