Thank You

With Thanksgiving approaching, it seems appropriate to use this as a time of refection and gratitude. I have a lot to be thankful for. Life moves fast and often prevents me from showing the proper sense of amazement and splendor that surrounds me everyday.

With that said, here are the things for which I am grateful:

My budding Diva - I can’t wait to meet her and figure out what makes her tick. From her raucous kicking, I’m guessing it’s Led Zeppelin and spicy foods.

Mozzarella sticks- It must be my need for calcium because I’ve craved and consumed many pounds of these melty treats over the past months.

Miracles- I’m thankful that I’ve only gained 13 pounds in eight months. I thought I’d be tipping 200 pounds by now. Of course, I expect my ass and nose to spread considerably in the last month.

The Food Network- I’ve been watching cooking programs like I am studying to be a chef. I’m utterly entertained watching chefs prepare foods that don’t even look appetizing to me. Go figure!

The Gods of Fashion- Who have bestowed an uncanny talent upon me that’s allowed me to look more put together than I did before pregnancy. I’ve actually made the beer belly look work.

Tums, Prune juice, Water and Pillows- These four things have made the last months bearable.

Britney Spears- God bless her troubled soul. Watching her life spin out of control has made my life (and I’m sure yours) seem a whole lot more normal.

May you have a happy and healthy holiday with the people you love and make you laugh. Happy Thanksgiving!

Gobble! Gobble!

I don’t know what it is about this Thanksgiving that has me feeling nostalgic for a homespun Midwest experience. Maybe it’s the hormones or possibly the simplicity of those days. We weren’t exactly a Norman Rockwell painting or the Huxtables but Thanksgiving always promised a most excellent meal. While most Americans have mashed potatoes, turkey, pumpkin pie and some concoction of cranberries. Our soulful spin on the holiday included macaroni and cheese, collard greens, chitlins (Pig intestines. Big with my sister and mother), ham, sweet potato pie, potato salad, sage cornbread dressing (the best) and roast chicken.

That’s right! We have chicken instead of turkey. One thing to know about the Diva is my strong dislike of what must be the blandest meat in the world- turkey. My mother, catering to the baby of the family (that’s me), roasts a chicken. A very large unnatural looking beast but boy was it yummy. No one seems to mind the break in tradition. Or at least they’ve never said anything to me.

I try to make it home for Thanksgiving but with me eight months pregnant (That’s right. It’s the neverending pregnancy), I can’t get on an airplane. So, I’m having a South Florida Thanksgiving, which is sure to include rice and beans, yucca, plantains and possibly Puerto Rican tamales. Don’t get me wrong. I will certainly partake in the meal gleefully if not joyfully. I’m just a little homesick.

I spent the weekend glued to the Food Network watching the Thanksgiving programming. I watched annoying Bobby Flay flog a former Butterball Hotline operator/turkey expert during a turkey and dressing Throwdown. Too bad. I so enjoy it when he loses. I learned the difference between stuffing and dressing. Stuffing is cooked inside the bird while dressing is prepared outside the bird. Who would have known after all these years? I learned five different ways to cook turkey during the Turkey Challenge.

I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe that Ohio Thanksgiving experience that I thought was so unremarkable was downright incredible. I’ll miss my dad angling for the chicken neck, my sister highlighting her latest Martha Stewart-esque yam casserole, my mom cooking the bird all night long and the random relative/family friend that showed up unexpected on that big day.

I’m not so much sad as extremely satisfied and grateful (with a hint of melancholy) for these vivid memories.

What are your favorite Thanksgiving memories?

Valley of the Fakes

I survived another weekend and even have the strength to talk about it. All I can say is there was a car trip to the West coast with my in-laws (J had to work) and a baby shower (not mine). Anyone who knows me, knows that baby showers are one of my least favorite things in the world. It’s not that I don’t love babies or baby items. I even strongly believe in the ritual of making them women-only. It’s a right of passage like getting your period and your first broken heart- you muddle through it.

But for some reason you put all those factors together and I lose interest. I participate because I’m a wickedly traditional diva. I much rather go to a bridal shower. With that said, I actually had a good time considering the circumstances. It’s also prepping me for my Big Fat Black Puerto Rican Baby Shower that is coming up shortly.

I got into town early and was treated to a delightful treat. I’d never done this before but felt it was about time. Being the prickly movie and pop culture critic I can be, I was so surprised by my acceptance of this taboo practice. Enough of the foreplay. I’m coming clean. I saw my first bootleg movie this weekend. It was Why Did I Get Married? Besides a man coughing, baby crying, low audio and the occasional large bodied person that blocked the screen, it was an enjoyable experience. Would I do it again? I was poised to do it again with what I was assured was a stellar copy of American Gangster, alas I didn’t have the opportunity.

WDIGM was surprisingly funny and universal. I admire Tyler Perry but his movies tend to be very heavy handed in their message. Sometimes catering too much to his targeted market. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but he has the potential to be more that a great black writer and filmmaker. He can be a talented filmmaker. Period. Look at the growth in Spike Lee and Woody Allen when they stretched their talent.

WDIGM tells the story of four seemingly happy married couples. A yearly get together exposes the true state of their relationships. It’s not so much important to know the couples or their circumstances as much as the writing was witty and authentic. Singer Jill Scott was fantastic as the mistreated Sheila and Tasha Smith stole all her scenes as the ghetto fabulous businesswoman Angela. America’s Next Top Model fans know Smith as Tyra’s drama coach to the models. I wasn’t going to mention Janet Jackson’s participation but I will say this. She only sucked when it came to her dramatic scenes. That’s when the infamous Jackson whisper crept in. Other than that she was okay.

I kinda feel like a badass now. Watching my bootleg movies. I didn’t think much of my fake Dolce and Gabana purse and Chinatown Gucci watch but the movie sent me to another level.

What badass things did you do this weekend?

Sugar Glorious Sugar

Candy corn. Sweet tarts. Dum Dum suckers and that syrupy sweet flourescent pink Dubble Bubble gum. The sweetness didn’t last long but it was heaven while it lasted. Stale popcorn balls. These are my fond childhood Halloween memories. Trick or treating until you can hardly carry the bag (or pillow case depending on how fancy you were.) Going home and inspecting my sweet bounty. That’s what I will always hold dear. Good times high on sugar until Thanksgiving.

Another great tradition was watching It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!, which aired last night. It didn’t disappoint. It still cracked me up after all these years. What’s better is as an adult you see more in the text. Maybe it’s reading too much into it but sometimes that’s half the fun. It’s only when you grow up that you realize how many adult traits the Peanuts gang actually had.

With great affection, here’s What I Learned from the Peanuts Gang:

Embrace Alternative Lifestyles

Without knowing it, creator Charles M. Schulz introduced me to my first bisexual -Peppermint Patty. Beyond the butch exterior that seemed to delight in torturing Marcie, there was also the aggressive She-Devil that wanted Charlie Brown something awful. Marcie was also into the S&M lifestyle as she was happy to be submissive to PP.

Random Minority Characters Have Always Been Around

Little black Franklin served no real purpose except to co-sign for one of his bigger named friends. It was obvious he was well spoken and smart but that was the extent of his contributions. Pigpen (with his pitiful cloud of dirt) served a similar purpose. He proved that CB was down with everyone.

Everyone Loves the Underdog

No matter how you look at it, Charlie Brown was a loser. Sure he was kind but boy was he gullible. He fell for that football trick every time. EVERY TIME! He rarely got the girl and was constantly immasculated by the uber-bitch Lucy. Lucy obviously had a thing for CB but couldn’t admit her crush.

You’re Never Too Young to Be Henpecked

Poor Linus was a slave to the girlish charms of blonde beauty Sally. She would talk him up one moment and make him blush them crush him with her emotional rants. No wonder he clung to that security blanket. He never saw it coming. His devotion for S kept it going. He was obviously being groomed to be an obedient husband one day.

What have you learned from Peanuts?

A Weekend of Revelations

Once again, I’ve come to you for a confessional of sorts. This weekend turned into a pretty balanced time. Saturday was shopping and dinner with a cute boy (okay he’s only 2 but what a doll) and a good friend followed by a day of rest and homemade pizza (this could become my new favorite thing to do).

And here’s where the confessions begin:

Love That Piven

I’ve been behind on my movie watching. At this point it’s not about the new movies as much about just watching something new. I’m playing major catch up now. I caught the flick Smokin’ Aces. I remember seeing the preview and thinking it was a slick MTV style movie; heavy on flash but light on content. The plot is simple. Buddy Israel (Jeremy Piven) has turned informant to the mob thus putting a large bounty on his death and heart. Piven was spot on as the greedy Vegas performer who realizes his good days are coming to an end. His unraveling was emotional.

Besides an ending that takes itself a bit too seriously, the movie was good fun. The hit men that come out of the woodwork are a blast. That’s where the fun lies. Who will get to him first? Great fun. Not to mention it has one of those Cannonball Run casts that’s full of known actors with silly accents and disguises. I don’t know why but I enjoyed the free ness and macabe humor. There’s a ridiculously funny scene involving a Ritalin-addled boy who spent too much time watching BET and hip hop videos. Hilarious!

The Sun Will Come Out

Okay, here comes the bigger revelation. I spent a couple of hours watching the documentary Life After Tomorrow. What is that you say? It’s a film the chronicles the little girls who starred as Annie or orphans in the Broadway and National touring casts of Annie. Interesting you say? Probably not but I was enthralled with the doc. Here’s the kicker. I don’t know if that says more about me or the power and pull of Annie.

I’d like to think that Annie is such an American musical classic that everyone would listen to 30 and 40 something women talk about their careers as musical ingénues. You tell me. Most still remember the songs and choreography. All say it was one of the best times of their lives. There were lots of fun tidbits like overbearing stage moms, divorcing parents and the agony of developing breasts and being booted from the show. It was fun seeing the famous Annies like Sarah Jessica Parker and Allison Smith (Jennie from Kate & Allie) not to mention a host of others from 70s-80s TV and pop culture.

With that said, I’ve just ended my confessional.

What do you have to confess from this weekend?

Name That Tune

I thought I’d take this glorious Friday and talk about music. Usually I ask what is your favorite. Today I’m turning the tables. At the suggestion of my buddy the real JR, I’m turning to Blender magazine’s list of the 50 Worst songs. I’m unsure of the criteria since there are some good songs on the list. Sure, they were played out on the radio. Sure, some have become elevator muzak but sometimes you have to take things within the context of the times.

Sure, my hair was sky high and teased in high school but that was very fashionable in the 80s. I was the Sarah Jessica Parker of my school. Sure, my childhood pictures show me wearing drab browns, mustards, olives and red shoes but that was all the rage at the time. You have to take things in context or at least that’s what I tell myself to justify the choices. The same applies to music. I Ran by Flock of Seagulls seems silly now but at the time that was the use of cutting edge synthesizers.

With that said the list contains some truly deserving candidates. There was no surprise to see Uncle Kracker, Gerardo (though, Rico Suave was the jam when I was a teen) or Aqua (could that Barbie song be any more ridiculous). But there were a few that surprised the hell out of me.

Here are a few that didn’t deserve to make the list:

#48 Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

Sure, this isn’t the best Beatles song ever and maybe the reggae/ska music should have been rethought but I absolutely love this song. It is one of my favorite Beatles songs. Even a bad Beatles song is better than most songs.

#42 Sounds of Silence

Yes, it’s a corny folk song but it is still an excellent example of great songwriting. It may sound like cerebral babble but for its time it was a pioneering way to express emotions. No one knocks Stevie Nicks for her lyrics.

#35 Shiny Happy People

Blasphemy!! How did an R.E.M. song get on this list? I’m appalled and outraged. How dare THEY! !@#$

#26 The End

Okay, I will be the first to admit that this song IS pretentious and slightly creepy. The whole part about killing his father is bizarre in a serial killer kind of way but it’s not on par with Color Me Badd’s I Wanna Sex You Up. Not even in the same league.

What do you think shouldn’t have made the list?

Not So Religious Experiences

Ever take the time to slow down and really examine something. Whether it’s the size of the pores on your face or the way the dirt on your car artfully depicts the Virgin Mary. Life moves so fast that it becomes fascinating what you pick up when you really pay attention. No, I didn’t have a religious experience but I did lift my head out of the clouds long enough to look at the current celebrity headlines. So, I thought I’d write the random thoughts down and let you judge for yourself.

Don’t Cry For Me Iggy

Poor Ellen Degeneres has been a basket case lately. Her plea- Let Iggy go back to his new family. It seems after netting millions of dollars with her charm and business savvy, she forgot to read the fine print when she recently adopted a dog. When the puppy proved to be too much for her, she thoughtfully placed it in the safe home of her hairdresser’s family. The problem came when the adoption agency found out about the switcharoo and promptly removed the dog from the home.

All of this led to Ellen’s impassioned and somewhat blithering meltdown on her show begging for Iggy’s return. While slightly uncomfortable to watch, I believe it was heartfelt. Now the militant animal agency is taking the stance that they won’t be bullied by Ellen. Bullied? Investigate the family’s home and return the damn dog. Why the drama? I know they don’t want their dogs to be discarded or given to unsafe families but quit the drama and return the damn mutt.

Twelve Steps

I’m not an expert of recovery so maybe someone out there can clarify this. My only point of reference is an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie dated a recovering addict. I thought that part of the recovery process was not to enter into new romantic relationships. I probably have this wrong but it kinda makes sense. Enter Lindsey Lohan. Rumor has it the romantically discerning (snicker, snicker) starlet (more snickers) has a new beau and may be engaged. Does this go against the principals of recovery? And what’s up with all of these young girls needing to continuously date a string of men? I guess there is no such thing as getting to know yourself. They subscribe to the Elizabeth Taylor way of dating. But then again, at least she married her men and received extravagant jewelry for her companionship.

Salma Hayek Has My Baby

No, she wasn’t part of an international conspiracy plot to abduct my baby but she did steal my baby names. Granted J vetoed both but in my mind she still has my daughter. Loved Valentina. J turned it down. I thought it was strong yet feminine. Years ago, I introduced the idea of Paloma and was instantly shot down. I thought it was classic and sophisticated. J said anyone named Paloma should be rich and have a maid. And that folks, is how Salma Hayek has my baby.

What’s on your mind today?