What I Learned from Britney Spears

I’ve spoken about it for months and yesterday it was confirmed. Britney Spears’ life has gone from mildly amusing to tragically pitiful. I can’t say there was much joy or even a snicker finding out that she lost custody of her children. Hell, it wasn’t fun watching her shave her weave or sleepwalk through the VMAs either. It was sad to watch her crumble under the stress of her failed marriage and sudden motherhood.

While it’s a pathetic situation, there is a lot to be learned. Here’s what I learned from Britney Spears:

Leggos are Fun

We see it time and time again. Children who attain a lot of responsibility and fame at a young age only to have their worlds crumble. How can you keep everything in perspective? Not everyone can be a Jodie Foster or Brooke Shields and continue their careers with little scandal. The Michael Jacksons and Lindsey Lohans of the world prevail. There is a reason for childhood. It’s a time to develop your cognitive, emotional and social skills at a natural pace. Trouble follows when you skip these phases. After such tremendous success, it probably made sense to Britney to get married and have children. What else was there to achieve? However, she was emotionally and mentally incapable of taken on such responsibility.

Beware of Men Who Talk Holes in Your Clothes

If this were a Lifetime movie, Tori Spelling or Kellie Martin would play Britney and John Stamos would portray Kevin Federline and it would be titled Mother May I Flirt with Danger or something like that. Before I went to college, my mother told me to beware of men who talk holes in your clothes and never leave your drink. Both sage words of advise.

KFed is one of those talkers. You can’t blame it all on him. Her low self-esteem and inner angst led to this but a well-timed warning from a mother could have helped. The world is filled with smooth talkers. They are slick, beautiful and charismatic but can lead to trouble and quite a few holes in your clothes. The best way to handle this man is see him for who he is and then have some slutty fun. She didn’t have to marry him or bear his children. But she did, and this will be their unfortunate connection for the rest of their lives.

Don’t Pay Mommy

Every celebrity needs close family with him or her who is not on the payroll. Buy mom a house but don’t let her become too dependent on you. The big question remains where is Britney’s close-knit hillbilly family. Where were they two years ago? My mother would have disowned me when I interviewed with Matt Lauer looking like a bloated streetwalker. My dad would have sat me down before I married KFed and my sister would have run out on the VMA stage after the first strands of music played. Celebrities need their family to keep them grounded. They need seasoned public relations professionals who are brutally honest and loyal. They need someone to say it’s time to go on medication, wear underwear, seek professional help, keep your ass at home and care for your kids.

What have you learned from Britney?

VMAs Hit Sin City

Yes, I watched the MTV Video Music Awards and YES, Britney Spears was the train wreck that everyone is saying she was. The tradition of watching the video awards goes back to when Madonna was young nubile and writhing around the stage in a wedding dress. I’ve seen the highs and the lows over the years. It’s always entertaining but it just dawned on me that I may be getting too old for the awards ceremony or MTV has run out of tricks. Or maybe a combination of the two. Just like they seem to have run out of music programming, which Justin Timberlake pointed out several times last night, they might have run out of clever interesting ways to present the Video Music Awards.

It was a stroke of marketing genius for The Palms to offer their hotel. You can’t buy that kind of exposure. Between MTV and E!’s The Girls Next Door, The Palms has established itself as the cool place to stay in Las Vegas. It was also smart to move the VMAs to Sin City, which has its own built in atmosphere and hype. However, the awards call for a bigger stage and better blocked performance.

This year, MTV tried to sell us on the idea of private VIP parties. Great. BUT, we only caught snippets of performances, bad audio and even worse camera work trying to catch all the action. It was like being inside a mosh pit. The best performances of the night were with the Foo Fighters unfortunately, we only caught a few minutes of performance. I really wanted to see their rendition of the Prince gem Darling Nikki with Cee-Lo.

Here’s a quick look at my picks for best and worse moments:

Not Ready for Primetime Player

Poor Brit Brit sleepwalked through her so-so performance. I’ve never seen her energy so low during a performance. I expected an over-the-top extravaganza with lots of dancers, animals and fireworks. She barely moved hips or her lips to the track. If this was her great comeback, it failed miserably.

I Still Don’t Get Here

I know Sara Silverman is extremely popular and seen as provocative but I don’t get her humor when it comes to individuals. She’s funny on topics but when she rips into a person, it’s uncomfortable and nasty. Beyond my usual snarky seal of approval. Her little bit went sour the minute she started calling Britney’s kids mistakes. Ouch!!

Best Non-Televised Event

I sure as hell have to find the Kid Rock/Tommy Lee brawl on the internet. I love it and I love the fact that it wasn’t two rappers. It’s no secret why they were fighting. I just want to see it personally. How rock n’ roll.

Guilty Pleasure

The Mark Ronson interludes were inspiring but my favorite was Adam Levine. The man whore continues to be my not so secret guilty pleasure. I love his voice, phrasing and vibe. Wipe off the slimey coat and I would have dated him in my 20s.

Best Dancer

Watch out Usher and JT. There’s a young buck nipping at your heels. Chris Brown gave the most explosive dance performance of the night. I was disappointed that he didn’t sing live, he always does but his footwork was impeccable. I actually expected (or hoped) that Michael Jackson would come out when the strands of Billie Jean started playing.

What did you love or hate at the VMAs?

Why?

Call me naïve or dense but sometimes I honestly feel like a 5-year-old. I’m constantly asking myself why. On this good Thursday as my mind is firmly planted on the weekend and my bed, I thought maybe you the all wise reader might have some answers for me.

Why is there another season of The Simple Life?

It’s not that I think I’m too good for the show. Honey, I watch I Love New York, The Search For the Next Doll, American Idol and a variety of other pleasing guilty pleasure television but the Simple Life is downright obnoxious and mean-spirited. Paris and Nicole are often vapid, clueless and malicious in their interactions with other people. They say they are playing a character but it is a reality show and I think they are just showing us their ugly dark side and what passes as humor in their inner circle.

Why is Britney Spears wearing a bad Frederick’s of Hollywood wig?

Poor Brit can’t seem to hold her head high and sport her bald head. How bold and provocative would it be for her go out bald? And that’s fine but why the cheap synthetic wig with bad hat combo. She has enough money to get a small Swedish fishing village to shave their heads and personally weave a wig for her. I don’t understand who is advising her.

Why is Amy Winehouse glorified as the new Sid Vicious?

We all know how that turned out. Here’s a brilliant young singer with great promise poised to bring classic blue-eyed soul and R & B back to pop radio. She’s also a raging alcoholic or at least that’s what her handlers want you to believe. Though, that seems to be on target. Are her handlers prepared to reign in the behavior or are we going to watch this talent implode? She reminds me a lot of Pete Doherty. It’s not the 80s. Cokeheads and drunks are only amusing for one album.

What questions are you pondering?

What the ...?

Ahh, holiday weekends. Hope President’s Day was as good to you as it was to me. Remember all that relaxing and cleaning I was going to do over the weekend. It actually happened. I feel ready to start fresh today. I must say the weekend was as much relaxing as it was bizarre. You know when you see a series of peculiar things one after the other only to be confronted with the ultimate in weirdness.

It started off with a cold spell on Friday. Part of my self-spa package was a few lengthy walks. It seems everyone has decided to take a page from Paris Hilton and puts clothes on their dogs when it gets cold. I’m not talkin’ designer duds either, I’m talkin’ a kid’s T-shirt cut for little pooches. Poor things, they just seemed confused. You could tell from their odd gate that they felt awkward. Now mind you it was in the 60s not the 40s or 30s. Many dogs originate from cold climates.

Next up was this eerie occurrence of hearing at least three Olivia Newton John songs this weekend while I was in the car. I could go years without hearing a song of hers on the radio but three in a weekend is strange. Made me want to watch Grease or Xanadu. Okay, not Xanadu but definitely Grease or the Let’s Get Physical video. I treated myself to a semi-marathon of The Real Housewives of Orange County. These bitches are more vapid and confused than their television counterparts. At least on Desperate Housewives it’s understood that they are fictional characters. Oddly, they have no idea how they come across. They take pride in their indulgent affluent plastic existence. Joe and Slate are amusing.

Then I was accosted by the news that Lindsey Lohan left rehab after completing a 30-day program. How the hell to you complete rehab while working everyday and going out at night? She may be the first celeb to treat rehab like a hotel. Unbelievable. Bridget Moynahan is three months pregnant with Tom Brady’s baby after breaking up three months ago. What kind of Young and the Restless plotline is this? Oh, and Ralph Fiennes joined the Mile High Club with a flight attendant on a recent flight. Alright, I kinda like this one it’s peculiar but titillating.

But boys and girls, the magical piece to my peculiar weekend was watching Britney Spears shave her head then showing up a day later wearing a cheap costume wig. Not even a racy Frederick’s of Hollywood one. Poor girl, she’s having a meltdown. I honestly feel bad for her. The Britney ride isn’t as much fun as it used to be. Now there are children and a loser father in her menagerie. I just want to know where is her family. As soon as I appeared with Matt Lauer chomping on gum, my mom would have flown in to see what was going on. Forget that, the minute I met K-Fed; momma would have flown in from Ohio to check on me.

Where are her family, agents and other hangers-on? She seems so alone and vulnerable. The even sadder side is that the paparazzi hunt her so closely that her nervous breakdown is being broadcast live. I really don’t have words for her. Sad. Tragic. Unfortunate.

What are your words for Brit Brit’s meltdown?